The Coolest Video Game Review You Have Ever Read


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It’s a cold stormy night.  It’s raining like a mother fucker as I stand in the graveyard of my backyard.  A crack of thunder and I could see the epitaphs of all the tombstones of all the conquered video games of my past.  A triumph of all the ass I have kicked in the video game under-dimension.  Atari buried E.T., I buried everyone else.  Yes, D.H. Hammer, yours truly, likes racing simulators.  And on one of those monuments to destroyed video games is Gran Tourismo 5.  The game that made me buy an Xbox 360.  My beloved GT series became a victim of it’s own success and lies dead at my feet.  Cue thunder crash and hard rain.  As I stand above the grave of the defeated video game a set of headlights turn on momentarily blinding me. 

I held up my hand to block out the bright halogens trying to see past the hard torrential rain.  I could hear the sloshing of foot prints and the closing of a car door as a shadowy figure stand in front of the car knowing I couldn’t make out his face.

“Are you Hammer?” I hear his yell forcefully and with authority.

I pause a moment contemplating who the hell this guy could be.  The thunder crashes once again briefly illuminating the night around us.  I still can’t make out his face.  I man up and answer.

“Yeah that’s me.” I replied just as forcefully.

I watch though the cracks of my fingers as he slowly began approaching me.  I could hear his heavy boots sloshing in the thick mud and grass of the cold rainy night.  His silhouette steadily grew large enough as he drew closer.  The lights from his headlights became less painful and before I knew it he was standing in front of me with his hands in the pockets of his large raincoat.  His head protected from the rain by a large rimmed fedora.

“I don’t believe it.” he said, his voice raised so I could hear him over the rain.

I just looked at him confounded.  I reached into my pocket ready to grab my .45 just in case this guy was a spook.  “I don’t do autograph signings.” I told him.

The man smiled.  “I have a feeling you’ll sign this for me.” he said.  He reached into his deep pockets and pulled out a package wrapped in thick brown paper and bound in twine.  “Me and fellas down at the post office had a bet going that you wouldn’t show up.”

I looked down at the package.

It was from Amazon…

“It’s my property.  Of course I would be here.” I told him glancing back up from the package to meet his eyes.  “What is this?”

“We were hoping you could tell us.” the man said as he reached into his inside jacket pocket.  “We were told to deliver this package at this exact time, at this exact place.  We weren’t sure if you even existed.” he finished as he revealed form his pocket a pen.

It was a Bic.

I slowly reached out, the rain spattering off the package lightly spraying our faces with water.  I grasped the offered pen and signed where he pointed.

It was a dotted line!

I scratched a bullshit scribble.  “Yeah that’s me.” I assured him with a nod.

The man took the paper and waited as if he wanted me to open the package right there in front of him.  He stood there and stared at me for what seemed like minutes.  In reality it was just a few seconds but it was just so damn awkward.

I looked down at the package and then back up to him, then back down to the package.  I reached into my other pocket and pulled out my knife and unfolded it so I could cut the twine and the paper.

The mysterious individual watched with anticipation as I cut into the shipping paper, slowly tearing it off to the side slowly revealing the contents of the package.

“Seriously…” the man said.

“Oh.” I agreed as I looked at the package.  Gran Tourismo 6 was here!

“Dude, you ordered 1 day courier shipping for this stupid video game?” he asked me.  “Seriously you spent what?  Like $300 in shipping and handling?”

I looked at him in his eyes.  I deepened my voice like a dark vigilante.  “Yes.” I said.

The courier rolled his eyes and walked away grumbling about having to stand out in the damn cold rain.

I look into the camera as if I knew you, the reader were watching me, cause I know you want to.  “Grand Tourismo 6 rights all the wrongs of Grand Tourismo 5.” I tell you.  “Go buy it today.”

The CE Score Sheet (1-5)

Production Quality:  5

Cast: 1

Cinematography:  5

Soundtrack:  5

Story:  1

Game-play:  5

Replay ability:  5

CE Metascore:  3.8  Excellent game if you like racing simulators.


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